So much for my happy ending

As usual I will not include the names of anyone involved in this blog for the sake of their privacy. I also will try to make this as short as I possibly can, because the entire story is quite long.

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It was exactly one year ago…. I was mentally getting ready for my trip to Holland in March of this year. One night I was online and came across the profile of this gorgeous grey-eyed Dutchie. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but there was something special about this Dutchie and I just had to make contact. I never really expected a reply back, but to my utter shock, the next day a message was waiting for me. Score!
That was the start of back and forth messaging, which eventually led to our first meeting when I was in Rotterdam, Holland. I still remember that first meeting; the moment I stared into those eyes for the first time… I was mesmerized. This Dutchie was all I ever dreamed and wanted. Physically: perfect. The rest: also perfect. Occupation: Store manager in one of the largest department stores in the Netherlands – De Bijenkorf.

On that first afternoon that we met, we walked around the city of Rotterdam and got to know each other some more. Funny thing is that this Dutchie has an obsession with Suriname, but has never been. Almost the same similar obsession that I have with Holland. Le new Dutchie’s ex of 3 years was also of Surinamese descent, so this Dutchie knew a thing or two about my country of birth. Perfect.

A few days later we had a wine date at my friend Patrick’s Cube house in which I was staying at. I felt that this new Dutchie was worthy enough to meet my friends. After Patrick went to bed, the new Dutchie and I had the chance to get know each other on a more intimate level. We shared a bottle of my favorite red wine. This Dutchie is also a Merlot lover, so I had bought a bottle in Suriname for us to share. Oh, how sweet that aroma of this bottle wine. Things got even better when the fumes had risen to my head and my body was craving companion. This Dutchie provided me just that. Best kisses ever! 🙂

Our next meeting… shall I call it a date… I personally think it counts as a date… was a few days later in Hotel New York Rotterdam. Here is where talked a lot more sober compared to the other night. Got to know a few things more about this Dutchie, personal and financial issues. This Dutch whom also happened to be a Gemini – yes, I know ANOTHER Gemini!! FML o.O – was not ready to jump into another relationship. Nor was at, not at that point. I was open to it of course, but we had contact for a while, but didn’t really know each other yet… HOWEVER… secretly I was a tiny bit sad, but thought eventually things could change. I didn’t say a word. After that date, I stood for almost 2 hours on a bridge in -4 °C weather just contemplating how this could and why this would never work out. I knew it wouldn’t, but I was stubborn.

We did have normal, regular contact during my remaining days in Holland, but this was already close to the day I had to fly back so we had no chance to see each other one last time.

After flying back home, I could feel the pain of this distance between the Dutchie and I clearly. 7500km is a gawd damn long distance when you really think about it. I felt lonely. I was in love. I tried to fight it. I couldn’t. I wanted to stare in those lovely grey eyes again.

That was the beginning of the long-distance phone calls, WhatsApp text messages, Facebook private messages and constant appearances in my dreams. I knew what I wanted. At most times the feelings even seemed mutual. I received excited messages and sweet words back. I could feel the butterflies swirling in my tummy. I was walking on air.

All of the above sounds great, right? Well let me tell you it was not. Thinking back, I can’t even count the amount of times my text messages weren’t answered, just because this Dutchie “was not in the right mind set”. I can’t tell you how many promises were made and eventually broken, just because <insert a very good excuses here>. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was getting sick. I needed to change this. That’s when I decided to speak up. I spoke my mind and said how I felt neglected at times and how much it frustrated me. An apology was given and change was promised. I felt some hope. Maybe this would really change.

This Dutchie had so much going on. After the breakup with the ex this Dutchie moved from Den Haag to Rotterdam for the job in the department store, but had no other choice but to live in with a friend until finding an own place. Something that formed a major obstacle for us to be really be alone together. I still remember that text message a few months ago which read: I finally got my own place today… I was happy. Finally things would be better. At that time I was also already planning my next trip to Holland. After 7 long months I would finally be able to stare in those big grey eyes again. I was on top of the world.

Once I landed on Dutch soil this Dutchie was the first person I wanted to see. Sadly, I first had to fulfill my social duties of visiting my family, so I asked for a few days of patience. In the weekend we finally both had free time to visit this Dutchie. While I was in the train I received a phone call, that cancelled our meeting. I was torn. No clear reason was given, just a bunch of excuses, which I now I think were nothing but lies.

A few days later I texted again that I was saddened. After all those months and all those kilometers and still I felt like I was galaxies away. We arranged another meeting, which was 3 days before I was supposed to fly back home. The day before that meeting I called this Dutchie, who turned out to be sick with the flu, but our meeting was still on. The next day I received a text message that this meeting was cancelled. My heart dropped. I was broken. I was angry. And I almost never get angry at someone that I have feelings for. 3 weeks I was in the same country and not even 1 day there was some free time for me? Not even after all this time? I had enough. This had to stop. I didn’t want to be kept on a leash any longer.

I put all the gifts which I had brought from Suriname with me for this one special Dutchie in a box and send it to Rotterdam, along with a goodbye letter expressing all my feelings and that I think it had to end. I was once in love… I was also very stupid.

When I think back I can’t even phantom what was truth and what was a lie. I think this Dutchie had something special, but maybe not meant for me? Could it just have been a physical attraction? I don’t know. All I know that this had to end, because I was physically and mentally exhausted of all the excuses, lies and disappointments. I cannot always be the person fighting for something that would eventually never happen.

Now I have finally been able to let go. I have no idea how this Dutchie is doing nor if we will ever cross paths again. I don’t think I am angry anymore. I think I am just in lost in web of thoughts. All I know for sure is that I had to let go for my own sake. So much for my happy ending…