Heartbroken in the cold

So let me tell you all about the drama that has been going on in my life recently.

Warning: this might get long, but I’ll do my best to be as short and to the point as much as possible. If you’ve read my earlier blogs you know that I probably won’t succeed at this :-p

Disclaimer: Due to privacy reason I will not use any names in this blog.
But if you know me well enough you probably know exactly whom I’m talking about. But in this way I can’t get sued, because there’s no precise evidence whom I’m talking about. 😉

For almost 2 years now I’ve had a crush on a certain Dutchie. As time passed on this crush only grew stronger and I actually developed real feelings. At one point I finally admitted it to myself: I (think) am in love.

I knew that this would be a complicated love story, IF a love story was even ever about to happen. But I saw a potential opportunity and I was more than willing to fight for a chance.

First there were a few complications for this story to begin:

1. The Dutchie is the ex of my best friend
2. When the Dutchie and I met there was still another lover on the other side of the ocean

Those were the two main factors for me to not give into my feelings at first.

1. I know that there’s this unwritten rule:
“Friends don’t date their friend’s exes”.
And since friendship means the world to me I didn’t want to break that rule.
But I was falling in love… hard. I needed to clear the air.
My best friend and I talked about it and since there was nothing more going on between the Dutchie and my best friend, it was okay for me to act in on my feelings. My best friend even preferred me dating the Dutchie over the Dutchie’s lover at that time.

2. Yes, the Dutchie wasn’t single.
Problem number 2. The relationship at the time was also already very rocky and complicated and doomed to fail. Sorry, but it was. Not going to pass on judgment, but that probably was one of the world’s worst relationships. But who am I to judge?

As soon as that Dutchie’s relationship ended I saw a window of opportunity opening for me. One that I wasn’t going to close without grasping the handles and slip inside. I finally had the space to let go off my feelings.

When the Dutchie and I finally met up again in May when I was in The Netherlands, we spent a couple of days together. Those few days were probably a few of the happiest moments of my life. This may sounds very cheesy, but there’s nothing more that I loved than staring into those grayish-green eyes. I felt inner-peace inside. And all I wanted was more.
I didn’t confess my feelings; I just tried to show it in my own way. I thought when the moment was right I would open up. I didn’t feel like that was the right moment.

When I flew back home in May, I couldn’t help but stop thinking about that Dutchie. But one person seemed to be on my mind. I soon began to get insecure. Not sure why. I just felt different. Different in a good, but confusing kind of way. I spoke about it with friends and I concluded that I would just let this play itself out. If I felt good about the situation there was no reason to fight the feelings. I had no idea where this was going; I was just let fate take its course.

But inside I knew that I needed to clear my mind. I needed to know if I had a chance. I needed to know if there was a possibility of this friendship to become more than a simple friendship. I wanted things to be clear. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me, including that Dutchie.

I had all my plans sorted out. I had found a perfect way to make it work. I’m not a difficult person… wait, let’s rephrase that… I don’t THINK that I am a difficult person. I am a well-organized person. That is for sure. I had found a way to make a long-distance relationship work until it finally is my time move to the other side of the ocean.

I couldn’t handle the confusion. I needed to express my feelings.
I booked a flight to Amsterdam. It was my plan to finally confess my love to this Dutchie. I knew that this could go both ways. I was even ready for the worst. After all, I knew that the love… or friendship… or whatever… wasn’t as mutual, but something had to be there, right? All the time we’ve spent together should have at least meant something?

As I was getting ready to travel I got even more excited to be on the other side of the ocean again. I couldn’t wait to stare into those eyes that I fell in love with again. I needed to feel that warm embrace once again. A distance of 7500 km felt like light years to me.

But all of a sudden it all went down the drain. Just like that I lost control of the situation. The dream I longed for suddenly died. The love I yearned for was not going to blossom.

It all started 3 days before I was about to fly. I contacted the Dutchie to make arrangements for when I would be in town. I was asked if it was my intention to crash there. I was a bit confused by that question, because I think I had already mentioned that in earlier conversations. I could have been mistaken though… highly, doubt it. I decided to mask my confusion by saying, “Only if I’m allowed to!”

At that point I sensed that something was out of the ordinary. I could feel the drama llama approaching. I mentally prepared myself for the next messages when I heard that whatsapp new message alert tone. I reached for my phone, my hands trembling and I read the new message:

“Yes you can crash here. But just so you know, my ex is back. There’s enough space, but this is just so you’re mentally prepared!”

*these may not be the exact words written, but this is what they came down to*

That’s the moment when I could feel my entire world tumbling down. I felt the room I was in going dark. It was just me and the phone in my hand. I read the message again… and again… and again… and again. I didn’t know what to reply. I didn’t know what to say.

The only thing I remember from that point is that I was just staring into the distance and didn’t send a reply until a few hours, saying: “I’ll just give you your stuff and stay in Amsterdam”.

The reply was: “Okay, you decide what you want to do.”

I was lost. My mind was blank. The thoughts in my head entangled. I tried to think of something to say, but words seemed impossible to utter. All I wanted was to cancel the trip. I didn’t feel the need to fly off. At this point it’s all a blur to me, but I somehow ended up at my friends. I don’t remember how that night ended, but after hours I was in my own bed and I felt more alone in my entire life.

I was ready to cancel the trip the next morning, but after some long thinking I decided to still go to The Netherlands. I had already made plans with friends there and I had the concert in a week, so I decided I would just focus my energy on that.

On Sunday, the day I was about to fly off, the Dutchie contacted me and asked me what was up with all the drama and I needed to spit it all out. At that point I was a bit furious and replied with the words: “By now if you still don’t know what’s going on than I’m not sure if I should or want to talk about it!”

*Once again, these may not be the exact words written, but this is what they came down to*

On my way to the airport I couldn’t withhold the river of tears. I usually am only emotional on my way to Schiphol to fly back to Suriname, but this time it was the opposite direction: a cascade of tears on my way to Johan Adolf Pengel airport. I felt broken. I actually still didn’t want to fly. I somehow found the strength to just go.

At the airport as soon as I drank some extra “courage” and “strength”, I decided to mail the Dutchie. I finally confessed my feelings. This is not the way I wanted to do it. I think conversations like these are best done in person and not via email and certainly not when there’s an entire Atlantic ocean separating the both of you. But there was no other way. I wrote down all my thoughts and feelings in an email pressed the sent button and very soon it was time to board the plane. Once in the air, the stream of tears flew again.

Somehow 8 hours and 30 minutes passed by and I don’t remember one thing about the flight. Seriously! I only have flashbacks, but I don’t remember the actual flight. Once I was on the other side of the ocean I somehow found a way to enjoy myself. Sort of. I mean I tried, but wasn’t really able to do so.

The Dutchie and I did sort of the whole thing (via email again… unfortunately).
The thing is, the ex is NOT back for love, but just to officially move out. It’s just a moving process. No feelings are there anymore and a relationship is certainly not happening anymore.

BUT in the email it was also made clear to me that there was also nothing going to happen between us. I just had to deal with it. I somehow managed to accept it. I did have ups and downs afterwards.

For example I enjoyed the Epica show to the fullest, but as soon as I was alone in the train I felt alone again, because I had no one to share the amazing experience with, like I did after the concert in May. Also when I was sick after eating some bad sushi, I also cried my eyes out, because I felt sick like a dog and I was all alone. I completely broke down. And not to mention it was extremely colds those nights…. Hence the title of this blog post.

Towards the end I was sort of starting to feel a bit better thanks to my friends in Holland. This until I finally met up with the Dutchie in the club on my last weekend in Amsterdam. Let me tell you, it was aaaawwwkkkwwwaaarrrddd. It really was. But I was going to let it slide. I was there to have fun. I had already accepted the fact.

However… drama never seems to just pass me by… one of the Dutchie’s friends whom I’ve met twice before, while being out with that Dutchie felt the need to stir up some drama. He knows us both and he noticed the awkwardness between us. So in his drunken state he wanted to “fix” us… or I have no idea what he wanted to do. But he said some things which would have been better left unsaid. I felt totally effed up and alone again. I lost control again. I needed to leave. I felt unwanted. I needed to go. I quickly said goodbye and literally ran out of the club.

I don’t remember how I ended back at my aunt’s house, but I somehow was lying in bed. Texted the Dutchie saying that I needed to go, because I felt hurt. And I just fell asleep. Another dream of mine had died, but it was my entire fault. I never should have fallen in love and I should have confessed my feelings. Once again I was the only person I was thinking about.
I basically spent the entire day in bed and the next morning I was ready since 4 AM to fly back to Suriname. As soon I landed on the J.A.P. airport I started feeling better. Holland and the Dutchie seemed so far away and I was more than ready to move on.

But with these words I close another chapter in my life.
Lesson learned and time to move on.

Okay, just my final words and after this nothing more will be said or written about all of this: Even though you never felt the same and never will… I really loved you 🙁