Manic Depression – Part 1: The symptoms

by Clayton
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It has been a while since I last wrote anything that wasn’t about music and simply about me. And that was the main initiation for this blog. So here is a blog about me after a long time.

Today I had the day off from work. Things in my life have become very hectic lately and I simply needed a break from it all. But who am I kidding. My main plan basically failed. There’s no escaping life while I’m still within the legal borders of my own country. The only reason how I possibly could have a break from it all is probably taking a plan, and cross the big blue ocean for 9 straight hours. Sadly, jumping on a plane right now wouldn’t be possible.

Well at least I made an attempt to try to get my life back on track.

So what exactly is going on with me at the moment? I DON’T KNOW!!!

It’s just everything. Writing always has been a way to gather my thought and figure out what lies deep within, so with this blog I’m trying to do just that.

Yesterday was a national holiday here. One of the 19 we have. Yes, we have 19 national holidays in the Republic of Suriname. Please don’t ask!

Anyways, so yesterday (almost) everyone was at home. I also took today and tomorrow off. The whole idea was to lock myself up in my room and just have some ME-time. No work, no alarms, no schedules, no emails, no appointments, no HTML-CSS-or-whatever-codes… just complete silence.

I’ve disabled the data plan of my Blackberry phone and have no been receiving emails or other notifications for almost 2 days now. That’s exactly what I wanted.

The reason why I said that my initial plan failed is because I can’t get any silence in my own house.  I have a brother who is 10 years younger than me, whose highlight of the day is winning the soccer championship on his PSP *rolls eyes*. So he basically constantly pops in my room, sticks his head in and has no clear reason for entering my domain. It’s just simply a way to aggravate my daily annoyance.

I also didn’t get to spent the day as I intended to, because the car radiator decided to give in and as I was driving smoke starting coming from under the hood and a hot liquid was oozing out of the front of the car. So I had to drive it to the repair shop and luckily right in front of the shop the car died out, because it was totally overheated. So instead I had to spent the morning with my mom as she did her monthly things like paying the bills.


Blog continued the next day.

I didn’t get to finish writing yesterday, so I hope I’ll be able to do so today.

I also had the day off today, but just like yesterday I didn’t spent my day as I had intended to.

Since Monday I’ve had these gaping wounds in my mouth so I decided to visit the doctor today. I’m sure the wounds are harmless canker sores, but just to be sure I decided to enter the doc’s office.

My usual doctor recently retired, so the family has been assigned to another one.

This was my first visit at the new doctor.

I wasted 3,5 hrs just sitting in the waiting room. Good thing I had my copy of Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol in my bag, so I was able to catch up on some reading instead of listening to the older woman’s constant complaining who was sitting nearby.

Finally my number was called and I was let in by some assistance. Since it’s my first time at this doctor I had to go through a bunch of medical questions and I had to make it clear to them that I’m perfectly healthy… as far as I know at least.

So they took a look inside my mouth and it didn’t look like anything related to an illness. I could clearly indicate that the doctor was insinuating that it maybe was caused by sexual actions, but I basically said in other words: “Seriously doc. In my hectic life I don’t even have the time to catch an STD.”

The end result is that it’s nothing serious and that I should just let it heal. Pffft. I could have figured that out myself. I just dropped it and went home.

It didn’t take me long to pour me a few glasses of martini and doze off.

A few hours I woke up again and it was close to the evening. I spent the rest of the day watching tv series with my brother on the computer.

So besides this morning’s waste of time I was able to enjoy some rest.

Now back to the whole reason for the sudden needed break in my life.

It appears that I’ve become quite the work-a-holic lately.

Sometimes at the late hours of 2-3 AM I’m still busy doing either something for my studies or work. And to think that I regularly wake up during the weekdays at 5 AM to get ready for work. That means that I usually only get 2 hours of sleep a day. And as we all know, that’s NOT enough for a human to function normally. And I’ve clearly noticed that this lack of sleep is starting to effect my functioning.

Let me list a few of the malfunctions I’ve had the last few weeks.

  • I tend to forget a lot. Even more than I normally do. I can remember something now and 3 seconds forget what I was remembering.
  • I almost never remember anything I did the day before.
  • I forget what I should be doing exactly and for example start writing a report for an entirely different subject.
  • After taking an hour nap between work and college I dozed off in such a deep sleep dreaming that when I woke I seriously thought it was the next morning. I did think it was odd that it was so light outside at 5.30, but I didn’t think it through. I actually felt quite relaxed and was preparing myself mentally for work. I thought, if I got myself ready in 30 minutes and drove for 30 minutes I could be at work at 6.30 and have a nice quick start of the day. And that’s when I thought, “but what did I do exactly last night?” and that’s when my brain started to crack. An instant headache hit me and I realized it wasn’t 5.30 AM, but PM…. And I needed to get ready for class and not work.
  • After that I hurried myself to school and walked from classroom to classroom and not being able to find my classmates. That’s when I realized reading an email earlier from the school’s administrator that we weren’t going to be in the building I was looking around, but at the one across the street.
  •  I also once hurried to school to go do an examination and when I couldn’t find anyone I realized that the examination was taking place the next day.

As you can see my mind isn’t at ease and I needed to hit the break before I fatally crashed into a wall of insanity. I simply needed to get some sleep. Which is quick hard for me, considering the fact that my insomnia, which I’ve had for years is acting up again.

But let’s get down to the source of my insanity. What exactly is fueling this manic depression of mine?

Stay tuned for the second part of this blog!


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