Last night I ended up in an emotional whirlpool; how this exactly happened I can’t remember. Maybe as I write I will start to remember more, but let me tell you how the day started.
The day started as any other work day at 5.00 AM. I prepared myself and enjoyed a nice cup of instant cappuccino. I expected it to rain, because the day before that the rain fell down in buckets out of the air. I was completely drenched, so I was prepared for the rain yesterday. However, not a single raindrop fell out of the sky that morning. It appeared to be a day like any other.
At work I did my tasks and at 3.00 PM I clocked out. When I was home I didn’t take a nap like I usually do, but instead watched some Disney movie. It was fun watching TV again after a long time. I wasn’t able to watch the entire movie, because I had to be in class at 18.00 hrs. The classroom was freezing as usual and my blood started to flow faster. So I was totally drooling on my teacher for the entire evening. This could mostly have been, because of the low temperature and my lack of sexual activity. I also somehow realized (again) that my teacher is very attractive, even though it’s not the first lesson from this teacher. I sent a message to one of my colleagues to explain the situation, since he said to me that I have this obsession with my teachers. After he told me that, I realized that this is true. I mean, I did have a minor crush on a teacher in secondary- and high school, so what else is new?
Anyways, my colleague and I were chatting and he commented on my status message which was a quote out of a Kylie Minogue song, but I was referring to my teacher. And somehow we ended up talking about obsessive crushes and he told me about this crush he had for 5 years on someone who lives in my neighborhood. And that’s when I panicked. I asked him if he was referring to my last year’s crush A.G. and all of a sudden I sunk in an emotional whirlpool, because it wouldn’t be the first time that someone I know and I have had a crush on A.G. I suddenly hated living in this country, the small community and had a desperate urge to move. A sudden wave of emotions overtook me all at once: love, hate, lust, self loathe, depression, failure and just one damn disturbia in my mind. Everything hit me all at once: a loveless life, the need to go on vacation, starting a new job soon, school projects, unfinished work… just EVERYTHING!
I ended up falling asleep with my phone in my hand and not having done any of the work I had planned to do that night. If I wasn’t frozen inside, I would probably have drenched myself in teachers.
What exactly initiated this (minor?) breakdown?
Could it be, because I saw A.G. yesterday in traffic? Could it be, because A.G. is still in my mind very often as much as I hate it? How is it that A.G. is still able to throw me off-balance after all these months?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m over it all. I even developed another crush after A.G., but what is it? Maybe that for once I had hope and was 100% sure that it was finally going to work with someone?