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Clay's Personal

Goodbye 2018

By Clayton

It’s already March and I haven’t taken the time to write about how 2018 was… I guess I was procrastinating, because saying goodbye to 2018, meant I needed to say goodbye to YOU!

Who are “YOU”? Follow me down the rabbit hole to find out…


30th Birthday
I stumbled into 2018 fully focused on my 30th birthday which was on February 1st, but I had the party on February 2nd. I have already fully written about that, so you can read that and see the pictures if you haven’t seen them already. That was certainly a lot of fun, but also very stressful at the same time to prepare the event. When that was over, I was ready to see what the rest of 2018 had to offer me. Little did I know that this was only the beginning of the ride.

Love
About a month after my birthday…. On St. Patrick’s Day I was invited to a party of a friend and his family… on that very pleasant – and mostly drunk – night…. I contacted this Brazilian hottie for a hookup, but that hookup, swiftly turned into something more, because what was supposed to be a one-night stand, quickly ended in the person I madly fell in love with in 2018.

Well, well, well… 2018… that definitely took me by surprise.

Let’s just say, for the first time in my 30 years of existence I knew what it’s like to share part of your life with another person. My days finally felt meaningful. I didn’t mind waking up in the morning, because that meant I could see YOU gain.

I am only going to give the short version of the story here. The full version of this long story I will do in a separate post, or maybe in one of my yet-to-be-written-books. Hey, I need to profit out of this one way or another.

So yeah, 2018 was interesting, because I felt like my life had a purpose again and I knew what I had been missing. Dating a Brazilian meant, I entered an entire new world that was literally hiding right under my nose. I started learning Portuguese by myself – and now one year later I have advanced a lot. Yes, in the mean time I had courses to help me out.

But back to the story… so yeah… I had the beginning of 2018 with my new Brazilian lover, that made me feel like a human again and I finally knew what I wanted and I had it. Sadly, it didn’t last that long. Meu querido had to go to Amsterdam for work, but in the end never came back. I did travel to Amsterdam in an attempt to salvage a sinking ship, but failed. Which brings me to the new topic few topics of 2018.

Travel
Curaçao
In 2018 I probably traveled the most I have in a short period of time.
At our 2017 office Christmas dinner the boss told us that we were going to travel to Curaçao for a company vacation trip. We didn’t really think that would happen, but it did. I have also written in details about that trip. It was quite short, but it was a lot of fun.

The Netherlands
Exactly one month later, I had another trip planned; this time to Amsterdam to go see the one that had stolen my heart. There is when things were clear to me that the love I seeked was not there anymore. It was an entire new person; someone I didn’t recognize. This wasn’t the same person that promised to wait for me. I was heartbroken… and when I asked if there was someone else, the answer was no… afterwards I found out the hard way that the real answer was yes….

But besides that, I had a great time in Amsterdam. As soon as I realized that there was no love for me anymore I just enjoyed myself. It was Amsterdam Pride and there was more than enough reason not to stay home and sulk. I met many new people and basically partied every single day. In the end I have no regrets. Also, one of my best friends happened to also be visiting so that was more reason to just enjoy myself. I still need to write down the stories from Amsterdam, but you will see those appear eventually.

Curaçao – again
Shortly after Amsterdam I was invited back to Curaçao for the Pride over there. That was also something unforgettable. The stories are also online for you to read. Finally, something good that actually came out of this blogging that I do. If you are reading this and want to invite me over to write about your event or anything, you know where to find me. 🙂

Work
So, work was not going that great near the end of 2018. It was more than clear that I was not going to grow any time soon and that the work relationship with my boss was not what we both wanted anymore, which is why I needed to resign. It all ended up well, but it was just not working anymore for us I was about to go into a new direction and had to say goodbye after 4.5 years of working there.

Depression
With all the struggles I had in 2018, I soon started feeling a fast-ascending depression and for the first time in my life I decided to seek therapy. I have always wanted to, having battled with depression before, but now that I am old enough to do my own things I finally seeked a therapist and we had very successful sessions. I could finally think clear again and knew exactly what I needed. That was also that helped me to make the decision to quit my job as it was not healthy for me anymore. Also, my therapist helped me to deal with my heartbreak and also to help analyze things in life from another perspective. It was more than clear that I know exactly all the things that bother me and everything that is “wrong” with me, I just needed help to know what to do next. We have had our last session in December, but I will ASAP see her again, as almost 3 months have gone by in 2019 and already so much has changed.

So yeah, that was 2018 in a nutshell.
The first half of it was amazing, but the second half of it was quite dark. Luckily 2019 has opened up with a fresh new start and I am positive that all will be good… they say when one door closes another opens. That has definitely been the case here for me. But I guess you will have to wait till the end of 2019 to read all about that. Haha.

Thanks for reading!
– C

 

Clay's Personal Friends

Update on 2017’s NY Post

By Clayton

Before I was about to post my 2018 “Happy New Year” post I re-read my 2017 post.
It appears that I still need to write an update regarding that post since a lot has changed.

Quickly read that post first before reading the below.

Friendship
The friendship between my best friend and I was restored, shortly after that post – around my birthday. It mostly involved another person that caused interference… let’s call it that and leave it at that. It’s over and all is good again.

Sleep
In 2016 I probably slept more than I have in recent year. Not nearly as much as I should, but I have at least tried to get some more down time, to prevent myself from burning out. However, this also meant a lot less projects and a lot less money. So I need to find the perfect balance between getting enough sleep and still earning enough to maintain my lifestyle.

Love
Pfft, I bet my blog posts are getting repetitive. This is still a NO-GO for me.

That one crush that started in late 2015 (or 2016), still has been going through all of 2017 and actually reached it peek…. But it also sunk right after that, and I am done.

This is not going to work. I cannot keep falling for someone that never appreciates the things I do, doesn’t see how much effort I am putting in trying to be a better person or never gets any of my signals. At several times in 2017 I even was at that point where I just wanted to blurt out all my feelings, but each time I had to pull back on the last minute because I knew that it was not the right moment or that I would just end up getting hurt. And maybe in some wear twisted part of my mind I rather live in plausible deniability than accept the truth… but now I am done. In retrospect maybe its best I never blurted it out, cause this person will never feel the same and maybe isn’t even someone I really need in my life “in that way”.

Can we move on now?!

College

Yay, I finished my damn college…. Got my degree… Bachelor in Applied Technology… but what is next now? I don’t know, but I am certainly not going back to any form of school. My knowledge shall be gained through self-study, work experience or any other type of training. I just don’t think I can do any full time study anymore.

So yup… that was 2017 more or less.

Clay's Personal

Happy New Year 2018

By Clayton

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!

HAPPY 54th BIRTHDAY MOM!

So that was 2017 and what a ride it has been.
Was it special? I guess… it was okay.
Could have been worse, but also could definitely be better.

Quick recap: Finally finished my college, met some new awesome people, went on a much needed vacation, got to see my favorite band perform live for the 6th time, my older brother got married, work has been very good and I learned a lot this year… and probably much more.

Those that know me long enough know that I stopped with making resolutions long ago.

I do want to work on a few things though…
Like, I need to stop being nice to people that take my actions for granted. Not that I expect anything back, I just really need to learn to think about myself more.

Also I have neglected my blog for way too long and want to actively work on that again.

Last… seriously cut back on my bad eating habits.

Hmm, do these count as resolutions?

Anyways… uh… happy new year again, all the best, etc etc etc…
I am going to eat and watch TV now.

Clay's Personal

Blast from the past

By Clayton

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I always knew my past would come one day back to haunt me… and it did.

I got tagged on Facebook by an old classmate of mine yesterday. A former classmate from the Catholic Elementary school which I had attended, St. Bernadette School (an Elementary school in Suriname). The picture was not one I hadn’t seen before – I have a printed version of it somewhere in my room – but it was nice to see it digitally AND to reconnect/chat my so many old classmates of mine. Everyone whom was tagged started posting comments, sharing memories and I also received a few new friend requests.

It was interesting, because I remember all the faces, but not the names. I am very bad with names. And certainly with the names of classmates from 14+ years ago.

In the photo I was 12 years old and apparently I was a major nerd back then. Doing other people’s homework, letting others copy mine and probably being one of the goody two-shoes in class. yeah, I think I had nothing better to do back then. haha.

If only I knew how my life would turn around.

Okay on a serious note now. Elementary school was still an “OK” period in my life. Secondary and High School memories really are the ones that I’ve blocked out and stored away somewhere in the deep vaults of my mind.

It was actually quite nice to see some old faces again, because it made me feel quite nostalgic (read: old). The fact that all of them still remember me and my background stories, makes me feel less insignificant as I thought I once was.

To see the infamous picture, check my Facebook profile 😉
(the above picture is obviously a recent one)

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