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Clay's Personal The Naked Truth

Drunk in love

By Clayton

The other day a newly-made friend asked me why I am still single.
Each time I get this question – which is all freaking the time – I answer by saying:
“If I knew the answer to that question I probably wouldn’t be single”.

However I suddenly had an epiphany today. Apparently I am only liked when there is vodka, rum or weed involved. Yes, that’s when I am “romantically” attractive to others.

Yes, I admit, I like my glass of wine before a date (feel to interpret that word as broadly as you want), but for me it’s more a courage thing. But yup, I think that is the answer.

Where did this sudden epiphany come from? There I was sitting at a social event across someone I have seen naked on two occasions… I was wondering: why are there no sparks flying this time? Well, probably because we were both completely sober.

Another example is the case of my two-year-secret-not-so-secret crush. Open the bottle of vodka, pour us a few glasses, get the music just right and we will be making out on the dance floor before the break of dawn.

The other day I was looking at our pics and I was asking myself: why the hell are we not dating?
It’s probably way more complicated than that, but maybe because we both can’t be perpetually drunk, which is why this will never happen.

So…. Yeah…. I am mostly drunk in love, but I don’t see any sober love happening any time soon.
#CallMeWhenYouReSober

DISCLAIMER: I don’t smoke weed, nor have I ever… but certain people around me do.

Clay's Personal

Time heals all

By Clayton

What a difference a year makes… one year ago I was floating on butterflies to the castle I had built in the skyline of Rotterdam and one year later I am here sitting behind my desk in a quite warm office in Paramaribo – seriously, what is up with the air-condition today?

One year ago, around this time I had boarded that escalator to the 3rd floor of the department store that your shop is located in. I got off, turned to my left and there you were. You also spotted me within seconds. I had no idea what I was really thinking, but it couldn’t have been anything bad. You were exactly all that I had imagined in the 3 months that we had had contact. Tall, fair-skinned, gorgeous grey eyes, dirty blonde hair, dressed in black and hard at work. Those were my first impression of you.

Now the rest is history. Let’s just say that I had no idea where I would be on year later, but I also had no idea that I would be where I am now. Now that sounds negative, but it’s not exactly. Now 3 months ago I was a total mess, I admit. Now… I feel nothing. What a difference just 3 months can ALSO make, now can it?

I just looked at our picture from what-will-be-this-weekend a year ago, and I literally felt nothing. Which is funny, because this was the same picture that months ago would fill me with hope, the same images that would calm me down in times of stress, the same memory that would give me strength to go on another day…. But now I have found myself again.

Despite what you might think, I do not hate you. I think I am indifferent towards you now. I honestly have no idea how I would react if our paths ever crossed again. I think maybe I might pity you a bit, because you will never understand how I felt, but then again I must remain realistic; there were probably things that I never understood and never will. So let’s just say I’ve carried on. Now let this chapter officially be closed.

time-heals-all

Clay's Personal

25 minutes of counseling is not enough

By Clayton

counseling01Last night I had a meeting with my study counselor. This is a regular “subject” in our class schedule. At the end of the year we have these individual meetings with the teacher/counselor to do an oral review on the past year. This time we had another individual counseling meeting to reflect on the past 4 years of our IT-studies. Last night was my turn.

So the thing is basically you talk about your study stages, your job and your personal life. When the question came, what have been the low points in your life the past 4 years, I answered that there is not one specification situation that I can mark as a low point in my life.

That was a lie.

There are a few things I wish I could change or that I wish never happened in the past 4 years.

I looked at my watch. And saw that there was simply not enough time let to explain all my stories. No way… less than 25 minutes was is not enough to explain the low points of the last 4 years of my life. How am I able to tell you the story of how…

4 years ago I was madly in love with someone from my high school, whom I met via a classmate of mine, who totally friend-zoned me and shortly after that I fell in love with a math teacher of mine, who totally used me and when I was over it, I was in love for 2 years with the ex of my best friend – they were over it and just friends now; don’t judge – which went nowhere even though it was probably the best and worst moments of my life, especially when we didn’t speak for 6 weeks, but we are now even better friends than before… and when I got over that I fell in love with a sort of clone, but just a younger, but less financially stable version of the crush before, whom I had created this major weakness for and whom occupied my daily thoughts for months, but I was cold-heartedly pushed away without a single sign of remorse and now 2 months later am slowly struggling to crawl back up from that fall, but I am not nearly where I should be.

Sorry teacher… just read my blog. Or wait for the novel to be written and published!

Clay's Personal

So much for my happy ending

By Clayton

As usual I will not include the names of anyone involved in this blog for the sake of their privacy. I also will try to make this as short as I possibly can, because the entire story is quite long.

———

It was exactly one year ago…. I was mentally getting ready for my trip to Holland in March of this year. One night I was online and came across the profile of this gorgeous grey-eyed Dutchie. I don’t believe in love at first sight, but there was something special about this Dutchie and I just had to make contact. I never really expected a reply back, but to my utter shock, the next day a message was waiting for me. Score!
That was the start of back and forth messaging, which eventually led to our first meeting when I was in Rotterdam, Holland. I still remember that first meeting; the moment I stared into those eyes for the first time… I was mesmerized. This Dutchie was all I ever dreamed and wanted. Physically: perfect. The rest: also perfect. Occupation: Store manager in one of the largest department stores in the Netherlands – De Bijenkorf.

On that first afternoon that we met, we walked around the city of Rotterdam and got to know each other some more. Funny thing is that this Dutchie has an obsession with Suriname, but has never been. Almost the same similar obsession that I have with Holland. Le new Dutchie’s ex of 3 years was also of Surinamese descent, so this Dutchie knew a thing or two about my country of birth. Perfect.

A few days later we had a wine date at my friend Patrick’s Cube house in which I was staying at. I felt that this new Dutchie was worthy enough to meet my friends. After Patrick went to bed, the new Dutchie and I had the chance to get know each other on a more intimate level. We shared a bottle of my favorite red wine. This Dutchie is also a Merlot lover, so I had bought a bottle in Suriname for us to share. Oh, how sweet that aroma of this bottle wine. Things got even better when the fumes had risen to my head and my body was craving companion. This Dutchie provided me just that. Best kisses ever! 🙂

Our next meeting… shall I call it a date… I personally think it counts as a date… was a few days later in Hotel New York Rotterdam. Here is where talked a lot more sober compared to the other night. Got to know a few things more about this Dutchie, personal and financial issues. This Dutch whom also happened to be a Gemini – yes, I know ANOTHER Gemini!! FML o.O – was not ready to jump into another relationship. Nor was at, not at that point. I was open to it of course, but we had contact for a while, but didn’t really know each other yet… HOWEVER… secretly I was a tiny bit sad, but thought eventually things could change. I didn’t say a word. After that date, I stood for almost 2 hours on a bridge in -4 °C weather just contemplating how this could and why this would never work out. I knew it wouldn’t, but I was stubborn.

We did have normal, regular contact during my remaining days in Holland, but this was already close to the day I had to fly back so we had no chance to see each other one last time.

After flying back home, I could feel the pain of this distance between the Dutchie and I clearly. 7500km is a gawd damn long distance when you really think about it. I felt lonely. I was in love. I tried to fight it. I couldn’t. I wanted to stare in those lovely grey eyes again.

That was the beginning of the long-distance phone calls, WhatsApp text messages, Facebook private messages and constant appearances in my dreams. I knew what I wanted. At most times the feelings even seemed mutual. I received excited messages and sweet words back. I could feel the butterflies swirling in my tummy. I was walking on air.

All of the above sounds great, right? Well let me tell you it was not. Thinking back, I can’t even count the amount of times my text messages weren’t answered, just because this Dutchie “was not in the right mind set”. I can’t tell you how many promises were made and eventually broken, just because <insert a very good excuses here>. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was getting sick. I needed to change this. That’s when I decided to speak up. I spoke my mind and said how I felt neglected at times and how much it frustrated me. An apology was given and change was promised. I felt some hope. Maybe this would really change.

(more…)

Clay's Personal Movies & TV

X-factor results are like my love life

By Clayton

x-factor-logo

As I sit here watching yet another shocking The X-factor USA result show I realize that this show is exactly like my love life: shocking, unpredictable and disappointing.

You know how on The X-factor you have this one singer that is really, really, like-seriously-really-good and you are for sure that they will end up in the finals and might possibly even win? Week after week, they give another stellar performance and there seems no end to this flame of success… but suddenly somewhere close to the end of the season, just when you have become comfortable with the idea that this person is THE ONE that has the X-factor and will surely be around next week gets VOTED off.

x-factor-top-6-results-recap*jaw drops* 😮
Eyes wobble -_-
Tears :’(

Sound familiar?
Though so!

That’s exactly how it goes in my life. I meet someone new. Think “OMG I have never felt like this before”…. This one is a keeper. And each week things improve. It all seems great. This one is heading to the finish line…. And suddenly… just like X-factor… fate takes a 90 degree turn and *poef* it’s over… VOTED out of my life… the dream has ended.

Just like the contestant who stands there completely speechless and in shock, I stand there… wondering what went wrong? How could this be over? Confidence destroyed. Dream shattered. Heart broken. The journey has ended in a dead-end!

Yes… and recently fate has decided to “vote” someone out of my life again. 🙁

Clay's Personal

Drama is my middle name

By Clayton

dramaI’m starting to think that the problem with my (love) life is… me. Maybe if I was a little less assuming, cared less or was a little less dramatic, things would actually be different for once.

Remember that story which I didn’t want to go into? Well I’m still not going into it (sorry!), but let’s just say that’s all over and it’s stupid and basically just… me.

I was once again assuming the worse of every situation, creating dramatic sceneries in my head and just assumed the worse of everything. But it’s all good. I think some things (and some people) just need time… when the time is right, they will come forward.

Tone down the drama, Clayton!!! o.O

Clay's Personal

Same Script, Different Cast

By Clayton

I think it was Whitney Houston that sang a song called “Same script, different cast”… or was it some other black R&B diva? I don’t know… I just want to say that again and again I’m reminded that all my lovers (real or imaginary) eventually turn out to be the same.

No matter how high the IQ, how big the bank account, how fancy the house, how pretty the eyes… they’re all the same.

Worse of all is: I never learn!

Note-to-self: no matter how different it feels, it’s just the same!

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Clay's Personal

The Gemini curse continues

By Clayton

gemini_heart_white_stickers-p217898702917435917z85xz_400

In my 25 years of existence I am still unable to decipher my physical attraction to the zodiac sign: Gemini… my life story keeps spinning like a revolving door. I will change my name to Gemini Magnet from now on, because this Aquarius sure seems love those Gemini’s.

 

I spot someone…. oh, interesting… I get to know that someone…. when’s your birthday? Mid-May/June… Red flag! Red flag!… I develop a crush; the Gemini remains unknown… crush gets stronger; Gemini still oblivious…. things get heated in my heart; Gemini starts getting suspicious…. I fall in love; Gemini notices…. and this when the twisted nails of fate strike…. Gemini demands a confession; I start to panic…. Gemini makes lack of interest known; I start to break… Gemini settles for friendship; I give up… a stream of warm tears fall on the icy cold pavement, my thoughts get lost in a vast whirlpool, silence becomes my solitude, and the pain my only friend… another bridge burned…. a million questions left unanswered.

2 years later…
Hey, I think I sort of like you. When’s your birthday?
May 28th… * my mind starts to ponder* A Gemini…
The wheel of time has been rewinded and started to spin again… it’s a vicious, never-ending circle.

NOTE: Be sure to read “The sweet curse of the Gemini” and your will understand the above better!

Travel & Adventure

Flying back home with mixed feelings

By Clayton

Here I am writing high in the sky again…. flying back to Paramaribo.
All this blogging at 36.000ft seems to have become a habit of mine.

Two and a half weeks of The Netherlands… oh what an adventure it has been. I think this has been the best vacation of mine so far. There are a few things that I would have preferred to have gone otherwise, but overall it was great.

I had expected to be standing in tears at the airport, but I was late and the last person to check-in, so I barely had any time to think. It was check-in and run to gate. On one hand I think this is best. I had enough airport-drama-moments in my life.
Why was I late you may ask? Mostly because of a miscalculation of time. Not my fault, but the ones that had to bring me to the airport were kind of slow. But in the end it all went well. I was started to get a little bit worried when Jeroen was whatsapping me where the hell I was staying, because there were already busy with the security check as I left the flat of my aunt.

Once in the plan I finally had time to finally settle down. I quickly went to find Jeroen whom is sitting in a whole other part of the plane. And since we’re left the ground I have already visited a couple of times. Can’t wait till we land. It’s going to be an awesome 2 weeks with him in Suriname.

I really think I should write a few separate blogs about all the things that I’ve done. I can give you a quick summary and if you are really interested to read more about a certain thing please let me know and I will write it down.

I went from Amsterdam to Rotterdam, to Eindhoven, to Reuver and Roermond. I went to two concerts two days in a row. My back was killing me by the end of that night. Saw 3 of my favorite bands perform live in one weekend…. And of course Epica, the entire reason of this trip. I ate all sorts of great Dutch food. Saw my friends, made new friends, went to parties everywhere, fell in love, got confused, slept on beds, air matrasses and also a sofa bed. Made out with strangers, woke up twice in a strange bed, lost my camera, found my camera again, paid a shitload to fix my phone’s screen that still doesn’t function normally, got harassed by a cat, got harassed by a lesbian, got harassed by a drunk chick in the night bus, went to an awesome birthday party, played bingo, danced on a stripper pole, danced in various clubs, expended my contact list with new numbers, added new Facebook friends and took tons of photos. (Check Facebook for the photos!)

Why do I have mixed feelings?
Well there are a few things that I had wanted differently. Like that one date that I really liked was the best, but yet confusing one. But maybe we can’t have it all in life, right?

Another thing is that I received a really confusing message from my aunt where I stayed at. I was so confused that I haven’t even replied to it. I still need to figure out what that is about.

So yeah, it has been a really wild, crazy, weird, awesome trip. 🙂

DSCF7475 DSCF7498 DSCF7481

Clay's Personal Friends

The hatchet is buried!

By Clayton

Dear Readers,

I have some good news. For the first time in… God how long has it been? A year? Maybe longer?
For the first time in a year’s time I finally feel like my own self again. I finally feel “unleashed”. All the past year’s drama is over and I can finally think clearly again.

So what has happened you might ask yourself? Didn’t I have some sort of mayor drama going on the last 1-2 months? Didn’t I tumble down in a whirlpool of confusion and depression?

Short answer: yes… but that’s all over now 🙂

Long answer: Put your reading glasses on and let me explain it all.

*clears throat and cracks his knuckles*

On the first Friday in December, Farid and I had to pick up our Dutch friend from the airport, whom is in Suriname to escape the winter’s cold. At first I didn’t want to go along, because this would be our first face to face encounter after the whole drama in Amsterdam and after ignoring each other for about 6-8 weeks.

The first encounter was less dramatic as I thought it would be. Well my friends were the ones that sort of made me psych myself out by calling to hear how I was feeling and treating me like a bloody mental patient. So the moment of the first eye contact I did sort of feel strange, but as the night progressed I did start to ease myself. Not sure if it was due to the Merlot that we drank before going to the airport – that was probably it.

The new morning I was online on Facebook and the Dutchie and I chatted. We then established our friendship and we also laughed about the past year. I was actually very happy that we were speaking again. It’s not easy to suddenly break all contact with someone who has been part of your daily life for almost 2 years now and certainly not when it all ends on a bad note.

So that was settled and we were speaking again.

However… the next week I did have a minor relapse of feelings. Mostly a mixture of feelings of relief and happiness… and also the questions that I still needed answers to. I’ve noticed that I am drawn to mysterious people – hmm, that would make a nice topic for a separate blog post, don’t you think?. As long as I still have things about someone I want to know, someone that I have a crush on, I will keep holding on, because I am still trying to figure out if I have a chance or not and how we could make it work (or not).

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