So let me tell you all about the drama that has been going on in my life recently.
Warning: this might get long, but I’ll do my best to be as short and to the point as much as possible. If you’ve read my earlier blogs you know that I probably won’t succeed at this :-p
Disclaimer: Due to privacy reason I will not use any names in this blog.
But if you know me well enough you probably know exactly whom I’m talking about. But in this way I can’t get sued, because there’s no precise evidence whom I’m talking about. 😉
For almost 2 years now I’ve had a crush on a certain Dutchie. As time passed on this crush only grew stronger and I actually developed real feelings. At one point I finally admitted it to myself: I (think) am in love.
I knew that this would be a complicated love story, IF a love story was even ever about to happen. But I saw a potential opportunity and I was more than willing to fight for a chance.
First there were a few complications for this story to begin:
1. The Dutchie is the ex of my best friend
2. When the Dutchie and I met there was still another lover on the other side of the ocean
Those were the two main factors for me to not give into my feelings at first.
1. I know that there’s this unwritten rule:
“Friends don’t date their friend’s exes”.
And since friendship means the world to me I didn’t want to break that rule.
But I was falling in love… hard. I needed to clear the air.
My best friend and I talked about it and since there was nothing more going on between the Dutchie and my best friend, it was okay for me to act in on my feelings. My best friend even preferred me dating the Dutchie over the Dutchie’s lover at that time.
2. Yes, the Dutchie wasn’t single.
Problem number 2. The relationship at the time was also already very rocky and complicated and doomed to fail. Sorry, but it was. Not going to pass on judgment, but that probably was one of the world’s worst relationships. But who am I to judge?
As soon as that Dutchie’s relationship ended I saw a window of opportunity opening for me. One that I wasn’t going to close without grasping the handles and slip inside. I finally had the space to let go off my feelings.
When the Dutchie and I finally met up again in May when I was in The Netherlands, we spent a couple of days together. Those few days were probably a few of the happiest moments of my life. This may sounds very cheesy, but there’s nothing more that I loved than staring into those grayish-green eyes. I felt inner-peace inside. And all I wanted was more.
I didn’t confess my feelings; I just tried to show it in my own way. I thought when the moment was right I would open up. I didn’t feel like that was the right moment.
When I flew back home in May, I couldn’t help but stop thinking about that Dutchie. But one person seemed to be on my mind. I soon began to get insecure. Not sure why. I just felt different. Different in a good, but confusing kind of way. I spoke about it with friends and I concluded that I would just let this play itself out. If I felt good about the situation there was no reason to fight the feelings. I had no idea where this was going; I was just let fate take its course.
But inside I knew that I needed to clear my mind. I needed to know if I had a chance. I needed to know if there was a possibility of this friendship to become more than a simple friendship. I wanted things to be clear. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me, including that Dutchie.
I had all my plans sorted out. I had found a perfect way to make it work. I’m not a difficult person… wait, let’s rephrase that… I don’t THINK that I am a difficult person. I am a well-organized person. That is for sure. I had found a way to make a long-distance relationship work until it finally is my time move to the other side of the ocean.
I couldn’t handle the confusion. I needed to express my feelings.
I booked a flight to Amsterdam. It was my plan to finally confess my love to this Dutchie. I knew that this could go both ways. I was even ready for the worst. After all, I knew that the love… or friendship… or whatever… wasn’t as mutual, but something had to be there, right? All the time we’ve spent together should have at least meant something?
As I was getting ready to travel I got even more excited to be on the other side of the ocean again. I couldn’t wait to stare into those eyes that I fell in love with again. I needed to feel that warm embrace once again. A distance of 7500 km felt like light years to me.
But all of a sudden it all went down the drain. Just like that I lost control of the situation. The dream I longed for suddenly died. The love I yearned for was not going to blossom.