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Depression

Clay's Personal

25 minutes of counseling is not enough

By Clayton

counseling01Last night I had a meeting with my study counselor. This is a regular “subject” in our class schedule. At the end of the year we have these individual meetings with the teacher/counselor to do an oral review on the past year. This time we had another individual counseling meeting to reflect on the past 4 years of our IT-studies. Last night was my turn.

So the thing is basically you talk about your study stages, your job and your personal life. When the question came, what have been the low points in your life the past 4 years, I answered that there is not one specification situation that I can mark as a low point in my life.

That was a lie.

There are a few things I wish I could change or that I wish never happened in the past 4 years.

I looked at my watch. And saw that there was simply not enough time let to explain all my stories. No way… less than 25 minutes was is not enough to explain the low points of the last 4 years of my life. How am I able to tell you the story of how…

4 years ago I was madly in love with someone from my high school, whom I met via a classmate of mine, who totally friend-zoned me and shortly after that I fell in love with a math teacher of mine, who totally used me and when I was over it, I was in love for 2 years with the ex of my best friend – they were over it and just friends now; don’t judge – which went nowhere even though it was probably the best and worst moments of my life, especially when we didn’t speak for 6 weeks, but we are now even better friends than before… and when I got over that I fell in love with a sort of clone, but just a younger, but less financially stable version of the crush before, whom I had created this major weakness for and whom occupied my daily thoughts for months, but I was cold-heartedly pushed away without a single sign of remorse and now 2 months later am slowly struggling to crawl back up from that fall, but I am not nearly where I should be.

Sorry teacher… just read my blog. Or wait for the novel to be written and published!

Clay's Personal Movies & TV

X-factor results are like my love life

By Clayton

x-factor-logo

As I sit here watching yet another shocking The X-factor USA result show I realize that this show is exactly like my love life: shocking, unpredictable and disappointing.

You know how on The X-factor you have this one singer that is really, really, like-seriously-really-good and you are for sure that they will end up in the finals and might possibly even win? Week after week, they give another stellar performance and there seems no end to this flame of success… but suddenly somewhere close to the end of the season, just when you have become comfortable with the idea that this person is THE ONE that has the X-factor and will surely be around next week gets VOTED off.

x-factor-top-6-results-recap*jaw drops* 😮
Eyes wobble -_-
Tears :’(

Sound familiar?
Though so!

That’s exactly how it goes in my life. I meet someone new. Think “OMG I have never felt like this before”…. This one is a keeper. And each week things improve. It all seems great. This one is heading to the finish line…. And suddenly… just like X-factor… fate takes a 90 degree turn and *poef* it’s over… VOTED out of my life… the dream has ended.

Just like the contestant who stands there completely speechless and in shock, I stand there… wondering what went wrong? How could this be over? Confidence destroyed. Dream shattered. Heart broken. The journey has ended in a dead-end!

Yes… and recently fate has decided to “vote” someone out of my life again. 🙁

Travel & Adventure

Delayed post-vacation depression?

By Clayton

IMG_20131123_193038It’s been 4 days ago since I landed back in Suriname and 3 days ago I started working again. For the first time ever I am feeling completely mellow and not down as I usually am. Usually the first day back at work I am a bit dreamy, emotional and not quite myself. But this time I am not feeling sad, down or dreamy. Just… mellow.

I am a bit scared that I am feeling like this. Could it be that my post-vacation-depression is delayed, just like my flight was (hihi… lol). Or is it that I am not feeling anything, because for the first time ever I feel like I arrived back home completely satisfied and have done all I wanted to do?

Besides that one person whom I really, really, really, really, really (50 times more really) wanted to see, but didn’t, I have basically done all I had planned to do and more. I travelled the Dutch landmark from left to right, up to down. Saw most of my friends, met new people and basically had a fun and relaxing time.

Although the 3 weeks went by so fast, it felt good to wake up Tuesday morning in my own bed. And now to reminisce on the crazy wonderful time I had in The Netherlands.

Clay's Personal

Same Script, Different Cast

By Clayton

I think it was Whitney Houston that sang a song called “Same script, different cast”… or was it some other black R&B diva? I don’t know… I just want to say that again and again I’m reminded that all my lovers (real or imaginary) eventually turn out to be the same.

No matter how high the IQ, how big the bank account, how fancy the house, how pretty the eyes… they’re all the same.

Worse of all is: I never learn!

Note-to-self: no matter how different it feels, it’s just the same!

(more…)

Clay's Personal

Suffering from a creative block!

By Clayton

me-boredI seem to be suffering from a severe creative block. This is not the first time and probably won’t be the last time… but it is certainly at the WORST TIME. A creative block is very common. Every designer or writer is faced with this from time to time… But this is a mayor thing, when creativity is the thing that pays most of the bills and those plane tickets to Holland.

 

How long has this been going on?
Probably a few weeks now. Just now I am able to actually confront myself.

What is the reason?
I have no idea… or maybe I have the tiniest idea… but not sure if I am able to confront myself yet, because I’m not even sure what I am actually thinking about.

This creative block sure is starting to affect other parts of my life… or maybe the creative block is just another symptom of this-unknown-thing-going-with-me? I have no desire to go out or do anything; I basically get up in the morning, go to work, come home and lock myself in my room and spend hours behind my laptop doing nothing special or read a book. The reading a book part maybe is a sort of positive thing to do. But I somehow don’t feel like myself… not 100%.

What is wrong with me? Why do I feel weird? Why do I feel uncomfortable? Why am I bored all the time? Why are my thoughts going a million miles per hour?
I think I just need something exciting in my life… something to distract myself from… myself?

Clay's Personal

Mid-life crisis at age 24

By Clayton

Unshaved @ workI am facing some sort of mid-life crisis at the moment. Which is weird, because I am 24 (25 in about 10 days). Maybe this is some sort of quarter-life crisis then?

For the past few weeks there has been so much I have wanted to do. Each weekend I put down all the things I want to accomplish by the end of the weekend, but usually don’t do any of the things I had planned to do. I make these plans for the weekend, because during the week, with my day job and college I am not able to do a lot of other things. But time and time again it appears that 48-hours in a weekend simply aren’t enough.

I probably have to go out less… And I will do so…. Right after my 25th birthday next week.

About that…

OMG, I am turning 25 next Friday. That’s a quarter of a century!! *freaks out*

Birthday party planningMaybe that’s the reason why I am feeling weird these days. I went to bed last night with a “what the hell am I doing with my life”-thought. I have been feeling restless for the past few days and I am unable to explain it and unsure what exactly is causing all of this. For example I am seriously tired of all the schoolwork I have. Especially when I think about the very uninspiring way the entire organization is. Also I have been getting bored of my job. Do I want a new one? Or do I simple want something else to do? Do I want to be a web developer, or a desk employee for the rest of my life? In an earlier blog post I have already mentioned that this is probably not what I will be doing for the rest of my life. But what exactly do I want to do?

I think I need a long break from everything to think and figure out my life’s purpose. Last week I met an American guy who moved here to Suriname. He was basically facing the exact same problem(?) as I am facing right now. He couldn’t handle it, got bored of his own life, so decided to sell all of his things and bought a one-way ticket to South-America. Maybe I should do the same. Just sell all my stuff – what stuff? – and simply move. It’s no secret that I want to move and settle down somewhere far away… probably in Europe… most likely Holland. I just need a change of scenery. Or maybe I should just be patient and wait until I finish my IT-study next year (hopefully) and after that take a break from it all. I need new inspiration I guess… or a new distraction in life.

Today I have been trying to break the cycle of my life. I woke up this morning at 5.00am and arrived at work at exactly 7.00am; this is something that I haven’t done in almost a year. I am teaching myself to wake up earlier again, so I have a few extra hours in a day and hopefully will be able to work on a new routine and accomplish a lot more in one day.

Clay's Personal

“Winter depression” in the tropics!

By Clayton

999810dfd97aa591c0d218c3beb029afDuring the holidays I always get this weird melancholic feeling, each time I see my Dutch (and other European) friends post pictures of
their hometowns covered in snow. There’s nothing more that I want than I white Christmas. I call these feelings that I get “reverse winter depression”. What could better than the sky being dark, the floor covered in white snow and the lakes covered in ice?

Winter 2012 - Amsterdam - Picture by Jeroen Ploeger
I’ve never experienced that. Wait! I think I did once, but I was too young to remember or really appreciate. I once spent Christmas in The Netherlands, but I was around 4 years old. I don’t remember anything besides the extreme cold. But nonetheless. I think the cold is a small price to pay for the perfect scenery.

 

Rain - Paramaribo - Photo by Clayton DerbyThe only thing we have down here in December is rain, rain and more rain. I’m not really complaining though, because at least it’s not hot all the time like for example in September. The lower-than-usual temperature can make me pretend like it’s a Surinamese version of winter. :p
I seriously can’t wait to move one day. Eventually I will probably get tired of it too; especially if I have to get up early for work, but I still think I will enjoy that winter wonderland in the back of my head.

Clay's Personal

Heartbroken in the cold

By Clayton

heartache-statuses-facebookSo let me tell you all about the drama that has been going on in my life recently.

Warning: this might get long, but I’ll do my best to be as short and to the point as much as possible. If you’ve read my earlier blogs you know that I probably won’t succeed at this :-p

Disclaimer: Due to privacy reason I will not use any names in this blog.
But if you know me well enough you probably know exactly whom I’m talking about. But in this way I can’t get sued, because there’s no precise evidence whom I’m talking about. 😉

For almost 2 years now I’ve had a crush on a certain Dutchie. As time passed on this crush only grew stronger and I actually developed real feelings. At one point I finally admitted it to myself: I (think) am in love.

I knew that this would be a complicated love story, IF a love story was even ever about to happen. But I saw a potential opportunity and I was more than willing to fight for a chance.

First there were a few complications for this story to begin:

1. The Dutchie is the ex of my best friend
2. When the Dutchie and I met there was still another lover on the other side of the ocean

Those were the two main factors for me to not give into my feelings at first.

1. I know that there’s this unwritten rule:
Friends don’t date their friend’s exes”.
And since friendship means the world to me I didn’t want to break that rule.
But I was falling in love… hard. I needed to clear the air.
My best friend and I talked about it and since there was nothing more going on between the Dutchie and my best friend, it was okay for me to act in on my feelings. My best friend even preferred me dating the Dutchie over the Dutchie’s lover at that time.

2. Yes, the Dutchie wasn’t single.
Problem number 2. The relationship at the time was also already very rocky and complicated and doomed to fail. Sorry, but it was. Not going to pass on judgment, but that probably was one of the world’s worst relationships. But who am I to judge?

As soon as that Dutchie’s relationship ended I saw a window of opportunity opening for me. One that I wasn’t going to close without grasping the handles and slip inside. I finally had the space to let go off my feelings.

When the Dutchie and I finally met up again in May when I was in The Netherlands, we spent a couple of days together. Those few days were probably a few of the happiest moments of my life. This may sounds very cheesy, but there’s nothing more that I loved than staring into those grayish-green eyes. I felt inner-peace inside. And all I wanted was more.
I didn’t confess my feelings; I just tried to show it in my own way. I thought when the moment was right I would open up. I didn’t feel like that was the right moment.

When I flew back home in May, I couldn’t help but stop thinking about that Dutchie. But one person seemed to be on my mind. I soon began to get insecure. Not sure why. I just felt different. Different in a good, but confusing kind of way. I spoke about it with friends and I concluded that I would just let this play itself out. If I felt good about the situation there was no reason to fight the feelings. I had no idea where this was going; I was just let fate take its course.

But inside I knew that I needed to clear my mind. I needed to know if I had a chance. I needed to know if there was a possibility of this friendship to become more than a simple friendship. I wanted things to be clear. Not just for myself, but for everyone around me, including that Dutchie.

I had all my plans sorted out. I had found a perfect way to make it work. I’m not a difficult person… wait, let’s rephrase that… I don’t THINK that I am a difficult person. I am a well-organized person. That is for sure. I had found a way to make a long-distance relationship work until it finally is my time move to the other side of the ocean.

I couldn’t handle the confusion. I needed to express my feelings.
I booked a flight to Amsterdam. It was my plan to finally confess my love to this Dutchie. I knew that this could go both ways. I was even ready for the worst. After all, I knew that the love… or friendship… or whatever… wasn’t as mutual, but something had to be there, right? All the time we’ve spent together should have at least meant something?

As I was getting ready to travel I got even more excited to be on the other side of the ocean again. I couldn’t wait to stare into those eyes that I fell in love with again. I needed to feel that warm embrace once again. A distance of 7500 km felt like light years to me.

But all of a sudden it all went down the drain. Just like that I lost control of the situation. The dream I longed for suddenly died. The love I yearned for was not going to blossom.

(more…)

Clay's Personal

Manic Depression – Part 1: The symptoms

By Clayton

It has been a while since I last wrote anything that wasn’t about music and simply about me. And that was the main initiation for this blog. So here is a blog about me after a long time.

Today I had the day off from work. Things in my life have become very hectic lately and I simply needed a break from it all. But who am I kidding. My main plan basically failed. There’s no escaping life while I’m still within the legal borders of my own country. The only reason how I possibly could have a break from it all is probably taking a plan, and cross the big blue ocean for 9 straight hours. Sadly, jumping on a plane right now wouldn’t be possible.

Well at least I made an attempt to try to get my life back on track.

So what exactly is going on with me at the moment? I DON’T KNOW!!!

It’s just everything. Writing always has been a way to gather my thought and figure out what lies deep within, so with this blog I’m trying to do just that.

Yesterday was a national holiday here. One of the 19 we have. Yes, we have 19 national holidays in the Republic of Suriname. Please don’t ask!

Anyways, so yesterday (almost) everyone was at home. I also took today and tomorrow off. The whole idea was to lock myself up in my room and just have some ME-time. No work, no alarms, no schedules, no emails, no appointments, no HTML-CSS-or-whatever-codes… just complete silence.

I’ve disabled the data plan of my Blackberry phone and have no been receiving emails or other notifications for almost 2 days now. That’s exactly what I wanted.

The reason why I said that my initial plan failed is because I can’t get any silence in my own house.  I have a brother who is 10 years younger than me, whose highlight of the day is winning the soccer championship on his PSP *rolls eyes*. So he basically constantly pops in my room, sticks his head in and has no clear reason for entering my domain. It’s just simply a way to aggravate my daily annoyance.

I also didn’t get to spent the day as I intended to, because the car radiator decided to give in and as I was driving smoke starting coming from under the hood and a hot liquid was oozing out of the front of the car. So I had to drive it to the repair shop and luckily right in front of the shop the car died out, because it was totally overheated. So instead I had to spent the morning with my mom as she did her monthly things like paying the bills.

(more…)

Clay's Personal

The Hangover – “Single life sucks!”

By Clayton

Have you ever woken up one morning and asked yourself the question:
“What the hell am I doing with my life?”
Don’t you just hate the empty feeling you get when you’ve just opened your eyes and notice the empty room you are in? Your two-person wooden bed only has you lying in it; just you, five pillows and childhood stuffed animals. You are surrounded by plastic, metal and wood. No warmth. No flesh. No beating heart, besides your own.
It’s a slightly depressive feeling, but its part of the single life.
Making a change in the situation is a dream; but a forlorn one.

You turn to the left side of the bed and hate yourself for being madly in love with someone so divine; so absolutely perfect; drop-dead-gorgeous and everything you’ve ever wanted. But you know it won’t ever turn into anything. Just like it didn’t become anything with the 11 other drop-dead-gorgeous-divine-creatures you’ve been in love with.
You turn to the right side of the bed and you start to loathe your life even more. You feel entrapped in your own fragile body. You want to break out and be free. Quiet college, take a temporary break from work, pack your bags and go on a Eurotrip. Visit the Louvre in Paris (FR), drive by Buckingham Palace in London (UK), go Nordic walking at the Lapland of Finland, eat Italian food actually made in Italy, listen to ancient folklore in Norway or visit the Picasso museum in Barcelona (SP). Just explore the world or at least mayor parts of it.

Eventually you try to crawl out of bed, but stumble back in as you lose your balance and the agony the agony splits your skull in half; the aftermath of last night’s social gathering with friends. The evening hours when life felt meaningful. That moment when those bottles of Fresita sparkling wine made you feel like life was good again, when those mouthwatering snacks made everything feel worth living for and that moment when the beats of the music and the glasses of rum coke made you forget all that you hate so much about the world you live in. That moment when those shots of tequila drowned the sorrow raging inside of you and gave you the courage to grab somebody and own the dancefloor.

At the end of it all you return home to an empty room. Exhaustion kicks in and you drift off to the realm of eternal dreams. As the day dawns and the sun shines high above the forest trees, you are in that empty state of mind mentioned above. One week later you wake up again with the same thoughts, with the same cravings and with the same empty memories. It’s a vicious circle.
Yet on Monday morning you long for the weekend to come by again, because those minor moments of bliss are all you have to live for. Those are the only moments that you don’t feel like placing a revolver in your mouth and play a game of Russian Roulette with yourself. Yes, the single life sucks.

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